


You're The Sun

by faehyun



Series: The Stars [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Homophobia, M/M, Suicide, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 18:34:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28817871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faehyun/pseuds/faehyun
Summary: When Donghyuck had held the sun in his hands, it had slipped through his fingers.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan
Series: The Stars [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2112873
Comments: 5
Kudos: 29





	You're The Sun

Donghyuck was 12 when he came face to face with the human embodiment of the sun. On the first day of middle school, Lee Donghyuck stood next to Huang Renjun, and he let himself burn.

“Hey! I’m Renjun, people call me Jun sometimes, apparently Renjun is too hard to pronounce but I’m also from China so it probably makes a bit of sense. Do you want to be friends?”. He stuck a hand out.

Donghyuck blinked. 

Renjun’s face clouded with confusion. “I said, do you want to b-”

Donghyuck grabbed his hand, a smile breaking out on his face.

“I would love to be friends.”

That day, they made more friends, there was Yangyang from Taiwan, who spoke German, Shotaro, who was Japanese but spoke Korean, and Jeno, who was Korean, and well, Jeno spoke Korean.

While waiting to get picked up, they sat on the swings together. Donghyuck was focused on a bug scuttling in the mulch when Renjun asked, “Do you think we’ll be friends forever, Donghyuck?”

“Yeah, I think we will be.” He said, still looking at the ground. 

It was during a sleepover 4 months later, where Donghyuck turned to face the other boy and whispered. 

“I think we’ll be best friends forever, Renjun.”

Renjun only smiled. 

At 13, Renjun and Donghyuck went to the same highschool. 

Donghyuck was smart. He got top marks in everything without effort. Except for physics. Renjun would always beat him in physics, always scoring an A+ when Donghyuck only got an A. It wasn’t like he didn’t try in physics, it was how he could never fathom why he should care about how stars were just big balls of energy and how slopes would correlate to speed. 

Renjun would always try to teach him, grumbling when Donghyuck just didn’t seem interested in the subject that mattered most to him. 

“You don’t have to half ass it. It should be simple to you.” Renjun said, frowning.

Donghyuck only whined and stuffed the book back into his bag. “It’s only simple to you, Renjunnie. No one ever beats you in physics.”

“Okay true, but that shouldn’t stop you from trying! Imagine how cool you would be if you were top in the class for everything!”

“Don’t be such a tryhard then,” Donghyuck deadpanned, staring at the other boy right in the eyes.

Renjun punched him. “You deserved that. Come, I promised we would play soccer with Jeno. He asked for you to be on your team! You literally have to play now.”

Knowing that, Donghyuck smirked. “Oh it’s on. I’m beating your ass Renjun!”

The sun was setting when they finished playing. Donghyuck had let Renjun win, just to hear his laugh when he ran over. 

“Suck it, Lee Donghyuck!” Renjun shouted, his lips curling upwards when he tackled Donghyuck to the ground. The two boys lay, laughing on the ground. Somehow, it felt right when Donghyuck pulled Renjuns hand into his own, they were simply in their own little bubble.

When Donghyuck looked at him, Renjun’s eyes were closed. He almost looked peaceful, if it weren’t for the twinge of red on his nose from the cold evening air. 

Everything was almost peaceful, the sunshine washing everything golden, until a groundskeeper shouted at them for being on the field so late. 

At 14, a girl called Donghyuck ‘Fullsun’. When he asked why, the girl laughed.

“You’re as bright as the sun.” 

Donghyuck thought it was ironic, when his best friend was much, much, brighter than him.

At 15, Donghyuck learnt that the girl’s name was Jasmine, and that Jasmine was infatuated with him. She had soft hands and long eyelashes, and freckles that almost looked painted on her cheeks. Donghyuck thought she was pretty.

When she gave him chocolates on Valentines day, and asked him out with adoring eyes, Donghyuck said yes. She was elated, of course, and held his hand as she dragged him around as she told her friends about her new boyfriend. 

When Donghyuck looked at Renjun across the classroom, Renjun couldn’t look into his eyes. 

Renjun avoided Donghyuck after that, excusing himself every time Donghyuck came to sit with his friends. Donghyuck asked Jeno about it, but obviously the crescent eyed boy was no help. 

“He’s just jealous that you got a girlfriend and he hasn’t yet.” Jeno said, simply. 

Donghyuck knew his best friend better than that. Texts and calls didn’t go through, he was just met with silence. Despite flooding Renjun’s voicemail, Donghyuck had never felt so lonely.

Renjun came back 3 days later, approaching Donghyuck with a smile which didn’t quite reach his eyes. 

“How’s Jasmine?” Renjun had asked, suddenly very interested in a loose thread on his sleeve.

“Where the hell have you been Renjun?” Donghyuck said, wrapping him in a bear hug. He thought he had lost his best friend.

It was only a week later when he realised that, in a way, he did. Renjun was more sensitive, more weary, more hesitant with touches. His voice was softer, he almost seemed watered down. Donghyuck didn’t know what was wrong. 

Jasmine broke up with him, 2 months later. She cried when she said he’d spend more time with Renjun than her. That he’d never kiss or hug her, or even hold hands with her. Donghyuck shrugged.

When Donghyuck told Renjun, his eyes almost seemed to light up.

A few weeks before school ended, a boy from Canada transferred to the school. He had hair darker than any Pantene ad, big eyes and was sat next to Yangyang so they could speak in English to each other. At lunch, Yangyang slung an arm around the boy’s shoulders and introduced them to the group.

“This is Mark. He’s pretty nice and he says he’s a god at soccer so when we play I’m calling dibs on him to be on my team.”

Mark was easy to be around, he was a good listener and kind, albeit a bit awkward at times. Soon after, it seemed that Mark was always a part of the group.

At 16, Donghyuck passed his exams with flying colours and got moved up a grade in Math, Literature and History, where he took classes with people older than him. 

Renjun had begged him for a sleepover once he told him that they weren’t going to be in the same class anymore.

“I’m not going to see you anymore.” Renjun said, pouting.

Donghyuck didn’t need convincing to hangout with his best friend. At night, when the moonlight shone on Renjun’s face, everything was worth it. 

“Hyuck, did you know your moles link up to make the Big Dipper?”

“What?”

“The asterium.”

“No idea what that is.”

Renjun sighed. “Of course you don’t know about stars. It's a part of a constellation.”

“Oh. No I didn’t.”

“Well they do. And I think it's beautiful.”

Donghyuck's gaze lingered on the Chinese boy. The way his hair flopped over his eyes, the amused expression he somewhat always wore and how he was never afraid. He thought those things were beautiful as well.

When Renjun told their friends that he was gay, everyone took it well. His parents still loved him, still were proud of him and were grateful that he was being honest. 

Renjun beamed. All the time.

Donghyuck thought he needed to start being honest with himself. 

At 17, Donghyuck’s mother screamed at him to go to church, to repent, to purge him of sin when he said he liked both girls and boys. His father looked away.

“It’s a phase, right? Just a phase. You’ll get over it soon, don’t worry son.”

Donghyuck only nodded.

When he told Renjun he had come out to his parents, eyes swollen and red, Renjun was proud of him.

“It’s okay. Listen to me. I know it's hard but you have to trust me when I say everything will be okay one day, Donghyuck.”

Donghyuck wasn’t sure he could.

“I’m so sorry they said that. They’ll come around.”

They never did.

For a month all Donghyuck did was cry. When his parents had forced him to wake up at 7am on a Sunday to attend service. When his mom desperately prayed and prayed and hoped with every fibre of her body that the ‘disease’ would be gone. When his dad never looked at him with the same fondness in his eyes ever again. 

When Mark sat down next to him in the library, and asked what was wrong, Donghyuck choked on his own tears. 

“Why couldn’t my parents have loved me?”

“I wish I wasn’t like this.”

“I’m sorry I’m such a burden.”

“A waste of a human being.”

That day, he let Mark hug him, his strong arms holding him together, and Donghyuck melted in his brown eyes clouded with worry.

When Donghyuck told Jeno that he and Mark were dating, he was surprised. “I honestly thought you would’ve dated Renjun. Dunno man, guess I was wrong.” 

Yangyang and Shotaro were their usual selves, making fun of their relationship any chance they got, telling them to get a room whenever they even talked to each other.

Renjun’s face transformed into one of his signature smiles.

“I’m glad you’re happy, Hyuck.”

When Donghyuck was given the title of Head Boy, no one was shocked. He got perfect grades, was the captain of the swim team, spoke bravely about issues, and was liked. 

He still didn’t know how to live with himself, however.

At 18, Donghyuck had gotten a full ride to one of the universities in the city, with Mark and Renjun being accepted as well. Yangyang was to move back to Germany for the family business, Shotaro immediately started at a dance studio and Jeno had gotten an apprenticeship at a local firm.

It was at a small eatery downtown when Donghyuck clung to Mark’s arm and understood how their lives were never going to be the same. Donghyuck didn’t need to nag Yangyang when his voice got too loud in public, wouldn’t need to correct Shotaro’s accented Korean anymore and couldn’t see how Jeno’s shoulders rose every time he laughed.

It frightened Donghyuck when he thought about how fast life was moving. He almost felt like he was falling behind.

They were filling in their accommodation forms, when Renjun looked at him and furrowed his brows, his face reminiscent of one in middle school. Donghyuck felt like he was 11 again. 

“Hyuck, do you want to dorm with me? Or are you going to dorm with Mark? I don’t really mind if I’m put with someone new.”

“Probably you. Mark’s going to live in a frat.”

“Why would he even consider that? That’s literally disgusting.” Renjun said, making a fake vomit noise.

Donghyuck laughed. “Something about teamwork and the fact that rooms at frat houses are bigger. I don’t really buy it though.”

“Your boyfriend is literally going to wake up covered in sharpie tattoos and maybe even his own puke. I can’t imagine living through that mess.”

“Yeah. Neither can I.”

Donghyuck wouldn’t have ever given a second to think about who he wanted to dorm with. It was always Renjun in his mind. It would always be Renjun. He loved Mark so much, but Renjun was the sun, his best friend. 

It was at a party at Mark’s frat where he met Na Jaemin. If there was one way to describe Jaemin, it would’ve been mythical. Jaemin sported light blue hair, and a grin that was impossible to forget. He was someone who could break hearts for fun and get away with it. 

The boy had given Donghyuck one look and Donghyuck almost felt weak at the knees.  
“I hope you don’t mind me throwing up on you.” Jaemin said, slurring his words. He threw Donghyuck one of those gorgeous grins and immediately fell forward into his arms. The blue haired boy had blacked out in the middle of a conversation. 

Donghyuck ended up spending half the night next to the toilet as Jaemin puked up his guts. Mark joined them soon after, Donghyuck having to send him a text of where he was. 

“I see you’ve met Jaemin.” 

Jaemin suddenly looked up from the toilet, and leant against the cabinets. “How do you guys know each other?”

“We’re dating dude. I told you when we first moved in.” Mark looked amused at the situation.

“Oh you’re Donghyuck? Mark has said sooo many things about you. Apparently you’re really good at-” 

Jaemin never got to finish the sentence, his head falling limp on his side as he fell asleep. Mark was pleased.

Donghyuck learnt that Jaemin was someone who was born to give an overwhelming amount of love to everyone around him. He spoke with a drawl and always smelt like strawberries despite claiming they were his most hated fruit. 

When Donghyuck introduced him to Renjun, Jaemin’s face could’ve parted oceans. 

Donghyuck wasn’t even shocked when they came as a double package, clinging onto each other every time they were in a room together, stealing kisses and sharing giggles. He was just never quite comfortable when they looked at each other like they were each other’s worlds. 

“You know it’s really obvious that you guys are dating.” Mark said, one day when the tension in the room became unbearable. Donghyuck picked at one of his hangnails. 

They gaped at Mark as if he’d grown another head. 

Mark continued. “It’s getting ridiculous. Like you’ve got to be kidding if you don’t think we can tell. You don’t have to hide it.”

Jaemin almost shied away, the tips of his ears tinted with a light pink.

“No you’re right. I don’t know why we were hiding it. Me and Jaemin are dating.” Renjun said, decisively, clasping the other boy's hand in his own. Mark snorted.

“Finally dude. Me and Hyuck are happy for you.”

It wasn’t until Donghyuck plastered a smirk on his face and made some suggestive comment about PDA that Jaemin returned to his normal, teasing state. 

At 19, Donghyuck unlocked the door to his dorm at 11 in the morning to see Renjun sleeping with an arm wrapped around Jaemin, Jaemin’s hand in his hair. It was selfish, he thought, to consider whether or not in another life he could’ve been in Jaemin’s place.

Donghyuck coughed awkwardly, announcing his presence. 

“Hey.” 

No response.

“Um. I’m gonna stay with my parent’s today.” 

At this, Renjun looked up and squinted at him. “Why?”

“My mom called.. I don’t know why.”

There was a softness in Renjun’s eyes, concern coursing through them. 

“Don’t take any shit from them.”

Donghyuck shook his head.

“I don’t think it was about me.”

When Donghyuck got a call from his mom the previous night, his mother didn’t have the hardness in her voice that was usually there. 

“It’s about me and your father, Donghyuck. There’s something we need to tell you.”

That night, Donghyuck laid on his childhood bed staring at the pictures framed on his shelf and wished he felt sadness when his parents told him that they were getting a divorce. 

“We just aren’t happy anymore.” They had said, while Donghyuck tried to find a trace of his parents in the two barren figures in front of them.

“We’re going to be selling this house in a month or two, once we’ve signed the papers. If there's anything you want to bring with you, it would be a good idea to pack it up now.”

Donghyuck felt his gaze linger on a picture of him at 14, eyes glimmering as he held up a trophy for coming first place in swim, his parents hugging him with proud smiles on their faces. He couldn’t remember the last time they smiled like that at him.

It seemed like life was mocking him, when Donghyuck wanted to say sorry for causing his parents so much pain. Sorry for being an abomination, sorry for being born, sorry for ruining everything they had. It was so obvious that this perfect image of a family shattered when Donghyuck said he was bisexual, and a house full of warmth turned to one of emptiness.

His eyes travelled below, to a picture of himself and Renjun. They were in the third year of highschool, his head on Renjun’s shoulder, both laughing about an oddly shaped chip Renjun had held up. Donghyuck couldn’t recall whether Jeno or Shotaro took that picture, but it stung knowing something like that would never happen again. 

Sometime along the way, Donghyuck lost sight of his home.

At 20, Donghyuck had tears streaming down his face in a cafe across his apartment after Mark told him that he didn’t think it was working anymore. 

“But you’re the only stability I’ve had in my fucking life Mark. I have nothing left.”

Mark sighed, pinching his temple. 

“I know, and that's why I’ve held off this for months now. I’m sorry Hyuck. I am truly really sorry. I’ll still be your friend... I’ve met someone else, Donghyuck.”

Donghyuck thought about Renjun. 

It hadn’t even been a month since they had decided to get separate places. Renjun and Jaemin moved in together in a flat off campus, while Donghyuck opted for a small studio apartment offered as university residence. 

Renjun and Jaemin wanted privacy. Donghyuck wanted a place for himself. It was perfect, almost, if there wasn’t a hollow feeling everytime Donghyuck had stumbled back to their dorm building hungover in the morning, expecting Renjun to scold him about alcohol poisoning to realise he couldn’t get in because he no longer lived there. 

“I get it. I don’t know when, but there was one day where I knew in my gut where it wasn’t going to work out. Because, Mark, let's face it. You are too good for me. You’ll always be too good for me. I’m sorry for holding you back. I’m sorry.”

“Why are you saying this? You were the head boy… you got incredible grades… you still get incredible grades. Everyone likes you.” Mark said, perplexed.

Donghyuck looked down.

“I love Renjun, Mark. Fuck, I’m sorry for putting you in this situation. When I was 17, I thought I loved you more than him, when I obviously fucking didn’t. I wish… I wish I could just say it to him.”

Mark only looked sad. “Why don’t you then?” 

He smiled wistfully, murmuring, as if he didn’t fully believe it.

“Don’t you see how happy he is with Jaemin?”

“Who gives a fuck about Jaemin? Fuck Jaemin, Donghyuck. Tell him, for my own sake.”

Donghyuck already stood up, ready to leave. “I would never do that to him, Mark.”

The sun had already set when Jeno almost knocked down his apartment door after a minute of standing outside it. 

“Let me in, or I’m going to bust open this door and you’re going to have to pay the repair fees.”

Scowling, Donghyuck opened the door knowing Jeno fully possessed the strength to do that. All he wanted to do was cry and sleep. Why couldn’t the universe let him have one thing?

“I brought food.” Jeno said, holding two bags with stacked styrofoam containers. Donghyuck was already returning to his position on the couch as Jeno put them on the counter.

Jeno hesitated. 

“Mark called me, by the way. I’m sorry that you guys broke up. But dude, you need to be a normal person and continue with life. I’m gonna be honest, Donghyuck. Ever since I’ve met you, you’ve been treading on eggshells. The 9 years I’ve known you, you were always quiet and reserved-”

Donghyuck already opened his mouth, about to comment on the number of teachers and professors who said he was loud but Jeno continued.

“-about yourself. I know you’re comfortable with your sexuality, but what do you see yourself doing? I feel like you’ve forgotten what you want to do in the future. What do you want?”

Silence. 

When Jeno left, his words almost left a dull ache. Donghyuck's first thought was a darkness so wide-reaching it scared him. He felt so, so cold without the sun.

He wasn’t a stranger to the quietness of his mind when he thought about his future past university. It plagued him always, finding ways to torment him even when he had a smile on his face. Even knowing this, it was surprising when he found out how fast he was deteriorating.

Renjun called him, on a Friday at exactly 7:04 in the evening.

“Please? It’ll be fun.”

It wouldn’t be fun. It would be him getting hit on by random guys and girls while the love of his life was in front of him, but had his arms around somebody else.

“I’m sorry Renjunnie. I’m just tired.”

“I haven’t seen you since Mark broke…” Renjun paused, seemingly taking back his words. 

“I haven’t seen you in 2 months Donghyuck. Finals were two weeks ago and you didn’t even come to visit me like you promised you would.”

Donghyuck frowned. He’d completely forgotten about his finals. He didn’t even know what month it was. 

Renjun’s voice came out of the phone speaker just a little more dejected. “Just.. just be safe, okay? You don’t have to come today, text me if you want to make plans. I miss you.”

“I miss you too, Renjun. I’m gonna go now…”

“Wait! Donghyuck, it’s your 21st soon. Are you going to do something for it? Do you need help like, preparing something?”

Donghyuck knew what he was going to do. 

“No. I’m probably going to go back to my mom’s.”

Renjun didn’t sound fully convinced. “Why your mom’s? Wouldn’t it be nicer if you just had a small party at your apartment?” 

Donghyuck didn’t want to think.

“Bye Renjun.”

“What the fuck Donghyuck? I’ll be seeing you lat-”

The line was cut off.

It was midnight on his 21st birthday when Donghyuck felt the entire world underneath his feet as he stared at the skyline. It was with the warm summer wind blowing against him when he finally felt like he was in control. That he could finally breathe.

There really shouldn’t be something liberating, something freeing from falling off a 25 storey building, but when Donghyuck fell, he felt like he could fly.

The stars had already told him that he shouldn’t have fallen for an unattainable boy. But then again he was never one to listen to the stars, was he? 

_Renjun,_

_I wish I had listened to your father when I was 17 and he told me to look right in front of me to see pure love because when I let you go, it was like losing sight of the sun._

_It’s not your fault, by the way. I don’t have anyone to blame this on. I was suffocating and I would’ve died at 21 even if you had loved me back. Fate works in a weird way. There was a void when I tried to think about the future and couldn’t get myself to care. I could never see past university, couldn’t picture myself working and growing old. I wish I could’ve spent more time with you, though. I would’ve sold my soul a million times just to sit next to you and eat cereal while you complained about how your astronomy professor was always late and spoke too fast._

_I was 18 when I realised I loved you. But Huang Renjun, I’ve always loved you. Ever since that day you asked me to be your friend. I only realised I had lost you when you started turning to Jaemin, far too late to say anything, so I held my silence. Say hi to him for me. I’m glad that he loves you so much more than I ever could._

_Please don’t be lonely. If you ever feel lonely, look at the stars, and remember how I hated physics because stars were too confusing. I’m always by your side. In the stars._

_I hope you don’t hate me, Renjun. Maybe I’m selfish to wish you would miss me even just a little bit._

_Love,_

_Your best friend forever,_

_Donghyuck ___

**Author's Note:**

> this is just an incoherent, messy spew of my thoughts. thank you for reading, i might write a sequel one day :)


End file.
